Many of you my not be familiar with this particular holiday. It is the best because it can happen at any time. This is not to be confused, however, with a visit from the Cigarette Fairy. The Cigarette Fairy was my good friend Tatiana. back in the days when not having a job was just part of the deal, the gang used to don their dickies jackets, use someone's fake ID to secure some beer, and stand around drinking and talking until we all woke up in various places in whit's parents house (ie. kitchen floor, bathtub, litter box). Tatiana, being the only sober one (and subsequently the only one who had not smoked every last cigarette she could find) would tip toe around in the early morning before she went to work, and place 2 cigs apiece in each of our dickies arm pockets. if you ever had one of these jackets you know what i mean. It is a small pocket on the left arm, designed to hold either a lighter or exactly two cigarettes (they claim it's for "pens," but we all know what that means). For this repeated charitable act she was dubbed the Cigarette Fairy. like the tooth fairy for losers. but i digress (as a hobby).
Cigarette Christmas can come in many forms. the most common are: 1. you put on a jacket for the first time in a while (usually of the dressy persuasion) and in the pocket-- Boo-Ya! Full pack of smokes you forgot was there! hallelujah! Cigarette Christmas has arrived! or 2. you have a party, and the next morning, while cleaning up you shake every pack of cigs to make sure it's empty before you toss it in the trash bag you are dragging behind you as you wade through the wreckage in your underwear still wearing last nights beer-goggles. Oh but what's this?! This pack has a little rattle to it! Could there be...? Yes! some jackass set a perfectly good pack of cigarettes on the counter and moseyd off like a moron (probably to make out with your girlfriend, you putz). This form is only slightly less awesome because there is no guarantee that the found pack is your brand. But we poor folk take any victory we can get.
So allow me to tell you the events of todays miracle. last night i saw an opening for a lunch server at a local wine bar. Please apply in person between 1-6pm. Now, i'm not dumb enough to bother a manager/owner until after the lunch rush, so, out of respect, i wait til 3pm. This means barbecuing myself a hamburger in my undies and watching The Negotiator (starring samuel l. and kevin spacey "I am negotiating! Mo***r F***er!" actual line) until about 2, then i shave, shower, comb my hair, look around on the internet, put on clothes (in that order). I make my way to the establishment, but the owner has stepped out, so i drop off my resume. I was exHAUSTED. i need a beer.
Yesterday i found in my truck $5 worth of scratchers winnings. Awesome, i know. So here's the dilemma. cigs or a beer? not a shady beer, no high life (i know, high life is awesome) but a Stone Russian Imperial Stout. Now i have 10 legitimate dollars, but i can't spend that on booze or cigs or i am just a bum with a better haircut. Dilemma, if i get the beer, what do i do while drinking it? if i get cigs, what do i drink while smoking? (there is white wine at home, but we all agree that is not an option). As i head to the counter with my brew, i spot the selection of rollies (this is roll your own tobacco, for the really poor but with excellent manual dexterity).
"How much for the Drum (and old brand of mine)?" i ask.
"Which one? that stuff? i think that's just a sample they sent us. you can have it."
i both peed a little and cried.
Merry Cigarette Christmas
God bless us, every one!
We need to find you a job.
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