Graduate. Then you get to be a .. freshman?

Today i used 10 of my last twenty to put some gas in FreeTruck.  FreeTruck is a 97 Ranger that was passed down to me several years ago from my good friend Bruce.  Who, in turn, was given it by a mutual friend Mark.  The deal is, if you're flat broke and your car dies, and the current owner of FreeTruck has the means for a ride, you pass on the keys.  Now, FreeTruck gets about 8 feet to the gallon, so at current prices, i got enough gas to leave the Arco.  

then i remember, the Bob (my dad) owes me twelve bucks.  So, like a Somali collection agency, i ring him up to get PAID.  He asks how soon i need it.  i have no shame.  Now.  he says, "hey if you need money you can always mow our lawn for $20."  hellz yeah!  that's cash money!  and i need beer.

as i'm sweating balls pushing the mower over the front 40 a realization comes to me.  Unemployment is an awful lot like being a freshman.  Follow me on this point-by-point comparison.

1.  i'm doing yard work for my parents for income.  that pretty much sums that up.

2.  I'm swirling about the job/car paradox.  think back and you'll remember.  you need money for a car, you need a job for money, you need a car for a job.  FML.  i got the car.  big whoop that does for me.  it's like having the perfect pick up line in prison.  

3.  you feel like you should ask a girl out, you know, to confirm your orientation, but IF she says yes, you have no funding for an outing nor the transportation to carry you to said outing.  And getting your mom to drive you will look about as pimp as it did back in the day.

4.  everyone keeps telling you you can  "do whatever you want in life as long as you put your mind to it." people have been using this line for years.  that way they can be inspirational without actually helping out.  "You have to potential to do anything."  really?  well right now i'd settle for anything.  but i'm not doing anything.  looks like i have as much employable potential as a quadriplegic sex offender.

5.  The promises of educational benefits seem as useless as ever.  Everyone remembers sitting in algebra saying, "what the crap am i gonna do with this?"  Fast forward a few years and replace "algebra" with "history degree."  The counselor said to major in what you loved.  they never told you that a liberal arts degree is about as useful in the job market as some serious yo-yo skills.  (try doing the walk-the-dog in a job interview, see where that gets you)

So to sum it up.  I mowed my parents lawn for beer money.  I count that as a win for the day.

Cigarette Christmas in July (or june, or whenever this is)

i would like to tell you about a magical time.  an event that brings tears to the eyes and refreshes hope in mankind and sparks a new passion for life.  I am talking, of course, about Cigarette Christmas.  

Many of you my not be familiar with this particular holiday.  It is the best because it can happen at any time.  This is not to be confused, however, with a visit from the Cigarette Fairy.  The Cigarette Fairy was my good friend Tatiana.  back in the days when not having a job was just part of the deal, the gang used to don their dickies jackets, use someone's fake ID to secure some beer, and stand around drinking and talking until we all woke up in various places in whit's parents house (ie. kitchen floor, bathtub, litter box).  Tatiana, being the only sober one (and subsequently the only one who had not smoked every last cigarette she could find) would tip toe around in the early morning before she went to work, and place 2 cigs apiece in each of our dickies arm pockets.  if you ever had one of these jackets you know what i mean.  It is a small pocket on the left arm, designed to hold either a lighter or exactly two cigarettes (they claim it's for "pens," but we all know what that means).  For this repeated charitable act she was dubbed the Cigarette Fairy.  like the tooth fairy for losers.  but i digress (as a hobby).

Cigarette Christmas can come in many forms.  the most common are: 1. you put on a jacket for the first time in a while (usually of the dressy persuasion) and in the pocket-- Boo-Ya! Full pack of smokes you forgot was there!  hallelujah! Cigarette Christmas has arrived! or 2.  you have a party, and the next morning, while cleaning up you shake every pack of cigs to make sure it's empty before you toss it in the trash bag you are dragging behind you as you wade through the wreckage in your underwear still wearing last nights beer-goggles.  Oh but what's this?!  This pack has a little rattle to it!  Could there be...?  Yes! some jackass set a perfectly good pack of cigarettes on the counter and moseyd off like a moron (probably to make out with your girlfriend, you putz).  This form is only slightly less awesome because there is no guarantee that the found pack is your brand.  But we poor folk take any victory we can get.

So allow me to tell you the events of todays miracle. last night i saw an opening for a lunch server at a local wine bar.  Please apply in person between 1-6pm.  Now, i'm not dumb enough to bother a manager/owner until after the lunch rush, so, out of respect, i wait til 3pm.  This means barbecuing myself a hamburger in my undies and watching The Negotiator (starring samuel l. and kevin spacey "I am negotiating! Mo***r F***er!" actual line) until about 2, then i shave, shower, comb my hair, look around on the internet, put on clothes (in that order).  I make my way to the establishment, but the owner has stepped out, so i drop off my resume.  I was exHAUSTED.  i need a beer.

Yesterday i found in my truck $5 worth of scratchers winnings.  Awesome, i know.  So here's the dilemma.  cigs or a beer?  not a shady beer, no high life (i know, high life is awesome) but a Stone Russian Imperial Stout.  Now i have 10 legitimate dollars, but i can't spend that on booze or cigs or i am just a bum with a better haircut.  Dilemma, if i get the beer, what do i do while drinking it? if i get cigs, what do i drink while smoking? (there is white wine at home, but we all agree that is not an option).  As i head to the counter with my brew, i spot the selection of rollies (this is roll your own tobacco, for the really poor but with excellent manual dexterity).  

"How much for the Drum (and old brand of mine)?" i ask.

"Which one?  that stuff?  i think that's just a sample they sent us.  you can have it."

i both peed a little and cried.

Merry Cigarette Christmas

God bless us, every one!

Climbing to the Top Ramen of the food chain

I woke up at 6:30 am today.  This was very fortunate because i didn't want to be late for.... Nothing.  Back to bed.  Top Ramen can wait til 8.  

A bit about Top Ramen.  

I realize that it has become the "kleenex" of cheap soups.  by that i mean anything that can be made in under 5 minutes and consists entirely of MSG has acquired the monkier of "Top Ramen." I, however, actually prefer Maruchan Ramen.  I never call it that, mostly because i have NO idea how to pronounce that first word. But Top Ramen does have a more advanced culinary palette.  They have, for example, a Oriental flavor and Shrimp.  

I have never tried these.  

Why, you ask?  Why would i ignore such a possibility of culinary sophistication at such a reasonable price?  Because i am firmly against the idea of discount seafood.  When i get my fish, i want to pay for it.  I actually want to pay slightly more than i think is reasonable.  My logic is as follows:

Employee:  Hey boss, this can of beans is all dented, should i still put it out on the floor?

Boss:  Yeah, why not, mark it down and someone will buy it.

Parallel structure: (you see where this is going)

Employee:  Hey boss, this smells funny, should i put it out?

Boss:  Yeah, why not, mark it down and someone will buy it.

DISCoUNT SEAFOOD BAD

and how do they make up the lost profit on the discount seafood?  they feel it is reasonable to charge exorbitant prices on the really fresh stuff.  I agree, that's how i know what to buy.  This acts as a kind of Grocery Natural Selection.  if the phrase "eh, it might still be good" has ever entered your thoughts while purchasing seafood, you are retarded. You are not the fittest, and you will not survive. (of course i apologize to anyone who is related to a darwinian, this is an oversimplification)

where was i?  oh yeah. soup.   you know that little packet is almost 400 calories?!?!  it's made of 90% water.  i don't get it.  I've recently started counting calories.  Not because i am getting fat (debatable) but because i have a LOT of time on my hands.

i wouldn't know a good idea if i caught it mating with my toaster

you ever see Kids?  that incredibly disturbing movie that makes abstinence seem like an amazing idea?  yeah, it's okay if you just threw up a little, i do whenever i remember that "film."  There's that scene when they're (please note the correct usage of homonyms) on the subway and a vet (war hero, not cat doctor) scoots by on a skateboard singing "I have no legs" repeatedly.  That's what i do with my time.  replace "skateboard" with "cardio cruiser" and replace "legs" with "job."

what is that?  you're not familiar with the Cardio Cruiser?! (here i scoff as if you haven't heard the new indy joke) The Cardio Cruiser is an advanced workout system by Jake, sole proprietor of Body by Jake.  This fantastic device combines the ability to burn trivial amounts of calories with the invigorating activity of doing practically jack shit.  Imagine walking, now subtract whatever force is required to propel your body forward, and sit down.  Boom.  The Cardio Cruiser.  I support this item because it allows me to "work out" whilst drinking whiskey and watching The Wire.  If that's not the new American dream then i don't know what is.

All of this is to say, my days are pretty much packed.  So packed, indeed, that i can only watch ONE season of Scrubs per day and still manage to cook myself an unnecessarily elaborate dinner, complete with wine pairings and cheese course.  The next logical step, of course, was to start a blog.  If Magruder can do it, so can i, dammit.  I figure, why not have some fun with my unemployment.

Here's the fun part.  If you, my reader, are employed, you most likely wish you could sit at home, start drinking at noon pantless, and generally be me.  I, however, would like an income.  Not the work, just the income.  So we must share.  I can impart my days and thoughts to you, and you can be vicariously lazy.  The only limit on this is that i can only do it while unemployed.  Otherwise it'll be about as effective as Limp Bizkit's second album.  (it's hard to write really angry music when you are a multi-millionaire celebrity with 3 Playmate girlfriends)

So maybe, we can all kill a little time before the next episode of Arrested Development starts.